Kink for Beginners

Hi, my name is Susan. Today, I’m going to be guiding you and your partner in the practice of BDSM.

You might be an experienced practitioner of kinky sex or you might just be mildly curious about the subject. Whatever your experience, you’re in the right place.

Today is going to be about safe, comfortable, and fun intimacy between you and your partner. BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism….and it’s all about trust and communication.

There are many misconceptions about BDSM. Whatever you might think you may know about BDSM, I want you to try and forget about it right now. Today, we’re going to focus on defining BDSM and kink for ourselves.

We’re going to try a few different things in order to learn what we like and, just as importantly, what we don’t like. Some people have the misconception that it’s merely about inflicting and receiving pain during sex…but kink deals with psychological themes just as much as it does physical acts.

BDSM is about emotional connection and playing strictly within the boundaries of yours and your partner’s comfort level. At its core, it’s about trust. Before we go any further, let’s get comfortable. Sit down next to your partner on a soft surface. A bed, a couch. Somewhere you can be close and get intimate together.

Now, once you’re settled, let’s take in a big, deep breath. Very good. Let’s do another. Perfect.

Now, I’d like you to remove each other’s clothing. Be gentle with each other. Work slowly…until you’re both naked and comfortable.

All set? Good. Now, let’s discuss a few of the central tenets of BDSM. Engaging in kink is rarely spontaneous and requires a certain level of planning and discussion between partners beforehand.

It is absolutely paramount, no matter what level of kink you engage in, that you and your partner take time to establish a safe word. It’s also important to establish the activities that you are and are not comfortable with.

A safeword should be simple, something easy to remember, and not something that might be said during a scene, such as ‘no’ or ‘stop.’ Try to think of something unique. Perhaps an inside joke between the two of you. Or something that reminds you of each other. I’m going to give you a few moments right now for the two of you to decide on a safe word together.

Got it? Perfect.

If you need more time, feel free to pause the track. If your partner says the safe word at any point, you must immediately stop what you are doing and ensure their safety and comfort. In this guided track, we are going to be playing with the roles of Dominant and submissive.

In BDSM, the dominant person (often referred to as the “Dom”) controls the submissive person, who is usually referred to as “the sub”. The Dom can establish rules for the scene, such as requiring the sub to call them by a certain name or not allowing the sub to climax without permission. It’s important to note that these “rules” are also approved by the sub, and at no time should the submissive person be doing something they aren’t comfortable with. These roles are flexible.

It’s worth noting that you and your partner might not have an inclination towards one role or the other. That’s completely okay. In fact, you might enjoy both equally. Being a ‘switch’ -- someone who is comfortable in either role -- is very common. We recommend trying out both in order to learn more about your desires.

Now, face your partner and take a few moments to discuss who will be the Dom and who will be the sub for this session.

Great. If you need more time to discuss these things, feel free to press pause and return when you’re ready. From now on, I’m going to be referring to you and your partner as the Dom and the sub.

Now, before we go any further, let’s establish some rules for this session. Dom, decide on what you are going to call your sub and what they should call you. Some common names include: Sir, Baby Girl, Mistress, Master, Daddy, Little One…

Choose names that feel comfortable for you.

Got it? Good.

Now, I want you to think of a punishment for your sub when they do not call you by the names you’ve just chosen. Perhaps five spankings? Or maybe they should have to please you orally every time they slip up? Come up with your own punishment and ensure that your Sub is aware of and comfortable with the rule.

Very good. Now, we can move on to the fun. Dom, I want you to sit behind your sub and get comfortable. We’re going to start doing some light touches.

When you’re ready, reach around your sub and just play with their nipples. Start off light and gentle at first. Let their body awaken to your touch.

As you’re doing this, ask your sub if they like when you pinch their nipples.

The feeling of ownership and connection between a Dom and their submissive partner can be incredibly erotic. Tell your sub that they are yours. That their nipples are yours to play with...to do with as you please.

Now, kiss your sub’s neck. Slowly trail your lips down to their collar bone. If you find a particular spot they like, focus your lips there.

Gently place your hands around your sub’s jaw and turn their head towards you.

Tell them that right here, right now, they belong to you.

Tell them that you’re going to keep them safe...but that they are your plaything. A toy for you - and if they do well, they will be rewarded. Keep playing with their nipples.

Ask your sub if they’re getting turned on.

Tell them that no matter how turned on they get, they are not allowed to touch themselves. And if they do, you will have to punish them.

Very good. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask yourself if you’re enjoying this. If necessary, stop the track and take some time to discuss with your partner any strong feelings of like or dislike you might be experiencing.

If you’re ready, let’s move on. We’re going to need the blindfold you’ve set aside. Dom, tell your sub to get on their hands and knees. Sub, push your ass out towards your Dom and look straight ahead.

Dom, put the blindfold over your sub’s eyes. And, just as we discussed before, if either of you feel discomfort during this, use the safeword to stop immediately.

Removing one sense often amplifies the others. In this case, removing your partner’s sight will likely heighten their sense of touch.

Dom, start by rubbing your sub’s ass gently. Draw your hands around the curve of each cheek...just warming them up to your touch...squeeze, and knead their ass, if you think they’d like that.

Feel free to engage in a little dirty talk, if you’d like. You can tell them what you want to do with them...or how much they are turning you on like this...how much you appreciate their submission.

When you’re ready, give them a light spanking with your hand.

Check in with your sub. Ask them if they liked that. Perhaps they’d like the spanking to be softer, or rougher. Sub - speak your mind, let your Dom know what you like.

Dom...spank your sub again...

Check in with your sub and see if they like being spanked by you like that. Now, spank them one more time.

Very good. Take a few moments to discuss with your partner if they enjoyed that and, if so, what specifically they liked about it.

If you need to discuss more, feel free to stop the track and return when you’re ready. Otherwise, let’s move on.

Dom, assist your sub in lying on their back. Make sure the blindfold stays on.

I’m going to give you some time to experiment together. Dom, feel free to give your sub any rules they must follow while blindfolded and under your control. You might insist that they keep their hands above their head. Or that they’re only allowed to touch you with their mouth...

Take a minute to inform your sub of any rules you want them to follow.

Now, if both of you are sufficiently warmed up, Dom, you can begin pleasuring your sub as you normally would. Remember that you are in control of your Sub’s pleasure. Let’s experiment with stimulating them and then taking that stimulation away. This is what we call orgasm denial. Go ahead and make your sub feel good.

Make them moan for you...make them writhe around beneath you.

Now, stop pleasing them. No matter how much they beg and moan for more, don’t give them any more pleasure until you want to.

I’m going to give you some time to experiment with these new tactics. If you and your partner reach climax, that’s great. If not, don’t worry.

This exercise is just to figure out if BDSM might be right for you in your sex life.Dom, try using a combination of the activities we’ve discussed today at the same time.

Talk dirty to your sub while you spank them. Or request that they please you orally while blindfolded. If your sub disobeys any of your rules, make sure to punish them properly and according to the punishments you’ve set at the beginning of this session.

If you find that you’ve enjoyed doing this session with your partner, think about potentially adding in more elements. Roleplaying, sensation play, and sensory deprivation are some of the topics we’ll be experimenting with in the next episode of this series.

Now, have fun, and play safe.