Mixed Feelings

“Hey, what, what are you doing here?”

“What? What are you doing here?”

I slid two coats down the rail, trying not to look overly interested in the sudden appearance of my closest friend and secret crush in this tiny coat closet, but it was hard to disguise it when the room was so small and he was so out of sorts.

He looked flighty and was breathing harder than normal, giving the impression he’d been moving quickly.

“Are you… hiding from someone?”

“I, uh, I mean I’m not hiding from someone. Okay, maybe from a few someones.”

“Why?”

“Honestly, just trying to avoid the drama of weddings etc. As you can probably imagine they’re not my favourite thing.”

“Fair, but why come to this one at all then?”

“I might not like weddings as a general rule, but I like the people getting married. I just don’t want to do all the pointless small talk when people ask about me, my wedding and then my divorce.”

“And you think hiding in the coat room is going to solve that?”

“Okay, well first, yes I do. Second, I have a reason to be here, what’s yours?”

“I’m organising the coats.”

“Try again.”

I paused, cycling through excuses I could give him because I obviously didn’t want to tell him the real reason… the one I swore to myself I’d never tell him about, because how embarrassing is it to be yet another girl who accidentally fell in love with her friend?

“Single woman at a wedding with a lot of older family attending. Not looking to have the ‘you’re next’ or ‘why are you single’ conversation with every person here…”

He nodded and it seemed like he bought it. I relaxed a little, and the sigh of relief almost escaped before I covered it with a cough.

“Just trying to avoid the drama and the awkward small talk. Plus, coats need organising, don’t they!”

He arched a brow, and I knew then that I’d gone too far. I dropped my smile, facing him with a hapless shrug as if I had nothing else to say.

“Nope.”

“Nope? Nope what?”

“I’m sorry but weddings are a mandatory bliss occasion. Your terribly ineffective commitment to outerwear organisation’s not gonna cut it.”

“Yes, I can see that, Mr. Hiding in the coat room.”

“Hey, you were in here first.”

“Exactly, you’re just out here copying me. Can’t even come up with an original escape plan”

“You didn’t invent hiding in a cupboard okay.”

“No, but I perfected it.”

I watched as he grinned at me and the heat of his attention in this small space felt intense.

“Honestly attending a wedding just feels like a lot right now.”

“I get that, since the divorce weddings just haven’t had the same appeal. Think part of it is knowing that in my case, nobody really did anything wrong, it just…. didn’t work.”

The vulnerable look on his face made me feel protective and a little powerful all at once. He wasn’t usually so candid, and I wanted to remind him that it wasn’t his fault things didn’t work out with his ex-wife… but I also wanted to make him forget her.

“That’s okay though, like you said, you didn’t do anything wrong. It ended amicably, and better to end it then than later when amicably will just be a distant memory.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Just did a number on my self-esteem, really. Like I said though, I like the people getting married, and wouldn’t miss this. Just going to limit my exposure to it.”

“I know it’s was rough there for awhile, and you’re allowed to feel your feelings. But you should try to get back out there, even a little bit. A date or two, just to dip your toe in.”

“Yeah, I’ve thought about it, but I find it hard to think about being open and honest with someone, with being vulnerable with them.”

“You’re being honest and vulnerable with me now.”

“Yeah, but that’s different, you’re you, you know?”

I arched my brow and waited for him to continue, because anything I said right now was either going to make me a bad friend or an idiot… maybe both.

“You’re so easy to be open with, to talk to, to just spend time with, even if we’re not really doing anything.”

I let myself wonder, just a little, if he felt it too… maybe this thing between us could be more than friendship. I steadied myself and tested the waters with more honesty.

“You’re an amazing human being, so supportive, so kind and caring and you always think about others.”

“Sometimes I think maybe I think about others too much.”

“Boundaries can be hard, but it’s something you can work on. I’m happy to help you work on them if you want”

“I appreciate that, genuinely.”

“See, and you’re polite too. You’re respectful which is a far bigger thing that most men realise”

All of these thoughts swirled around my brain as I tried to get them out in some kind of coherent order that might reassure him without giving my secret away.

“Oh, and you’re actually funny too. As in genuinely funny, not mean-funny, not ‘it’s just a joke’ funny. Like actually funny.”

He tilted his head slightly, watching me in a new way as I continued to ramble on, but there were so many things to say and I felt desperate to get them all out.

“Honestly there’s so much that makes you an amazing catch, and you shouldn’t be so worried about getting back out there.”

“Yeah, I uh, I can see you’ve definitely given it a lot of thought”

“Oh, it’s just, we’ve known each other awhile, and I’ve watched you-”

“You’ve watched me?”

“No no, as in, I’ve watched how you interact with others, how you treat them, that’s all.”

The room now felt impossibly small, and growing smaller with every word that spilled out of my mouth. He was looking at me now, that mischievous sparkle in his eyes and a half smile on his lips and I didn’t know what to do.

“It’s just, there’s a lot to think about and to say. And I wanted to wait until the right time but honestly when is the right time?”

I could feel my heartbeat, frantic and intense, and even still, I couldn’t stop talking. I’d started something and it was all tumbling out.

“And there’s so much I want to say, but I, I don’t know how.”

That look on his face was changing, more intense, and he was so close and… I didn’t think before I acted, my body moved of its own accord.

“Oh, oh god, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did that.”

He was frozen in front of me, his lips wet with the kiss I didn’t mean to give him and his stare unreadable. I wanted to bolt from that coat room, honestly I wanted to run from the whole wedding and never stop, never change and just change my name so I never had to—

“What, what are you doing?”

“I thought it would be kind of obvious.”

“No, it is, I mean… but why are you doing it?”

“Because you’re not the only one who’s been thinking about this… so if it’s quite alright with you, I’d like to do it again?”

“No no no, this, this is wild.”

“I’ve been thinking about you, and about doing this for… a long time….and I’ve been trying not to make things weird by overstepping.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I’ve been thinking about us, how it would be.”

“How what would be?”

He smiled, wolfish as he pushed me back against the wall.

“About us. About what it would be like. What you’d feel like, what you’d taste like.”

Now that was all my mind could think about. Once again I could feel my heart pounding, but in a very different way to before.

“Is it something you’ve thought about often?”

“Sometimes it’s been all I can think about”

“I didn’t think it would start like this.”

“Weddings are meant to be blissful days right?”

“All about bliss.”

“Well it would be unfair if that was confined just to the happy couple.”

God it would. All I wanted was to feel his hands against my skin, his lips against mine. I wanted to feel him right here, right now.

“And you’re just going to ensure that we get some of that bliss?”

“You especially.”

I felt his hands slowly running up my thighs, his eyes locked on mine as if asking a question, one I lightly nodded in agreement to.

I felt his lips against my thigh as he lifted my skirt, his hands lightly holding my hips.

“So soft, so perfect.”

I didn’t get a chance to reply before I felt his tongue run lightly up my panties.

“Fuck.”

I instinctively spread my legs a little wider and as soon as I had he did it again.

“Do you like that?”

I nodded emphatically but truth was, it seemed unfair to feel just that little bit. I wanted more.

He kept teasing me though, and it wasn’t long before my panties were soaked.

“I’ll take these.”

He slid them down my legs and helped me step out of them.

“Such a gentleman.”

To that he just grinned and suddenly I felt his tongue flick across my clit as my breath caught in the back of my throat.

“Oh fuck yes.”

He started off gently teasing me, letting me feel his tongue exploring every fold of my pussy.

“How does that feel?”

“It feels amazing, fucking amazing.”

He started to lightly suck on my clit as his hand ran around to squeeze my ass.

“Keep going, fuck, keep going.”

I couldn’t believe this was happening, and how he’d barely begun but already I felt myself getting closer.

“Your tongue feels so good… yes, right there.”

He didn’t say a word, he didn’t adjust anything, he just kept doing exactly what he had been, and I was trying so hard not to be too loud.

“Oh, oh fuck, fuck.”

That orgasm had come out of nowhere, it built so quickly but I found it hadn’t brought me the satisfaction I’d hoped.

“ I need you.”

I needed to feel him, I had waited so long that I wasn’t going to let this chance slip by me.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

He rose and unzipped his pants, pulling out his cock but the moment I could I wrapped my hand around it.

“You’re so fucking hard for me.”

The glee in my voice was hard to hide, and my smile widened as he carefully picked me up and then slowly lowered me down onto his cock.

“Fuuuck, you feel so good.”

I barely heard him, to finally feel him inside of me felt unbelievable. He slowly started to move his hips as his cock moved in and out of me.

“Keep fucking me, please keep fucking me.”

I was desperately trying not to be too loud, I had no idea what could be heard on the other side of the door.

“That’s it baby, tell me how good this feels.”

“It feels amazing, you’re cock feels so good, fuck”

He grinned at me as his eyes stayed locked with mine. Everything felt so intense, and as fast as this had gone nothing felt rushed.

“Yes yes, holy shit yes, keep going”

“This feels way too fucking good to stop.”

“Yes, fuck, yes it is.”

I could see him trying to bite his tongue, to not moan too loudly but, fuck, I wanted to hear him moan properly.

I wanted to hear him moan my name, to hear his pleasure, to not have to have it be so muted.

“Fuck, fuck, yes.”

“Keep going baby, keep fucking me.”

His cock felt so good, I couldn’t believe this was happening here but I didn’t care.

“Mmm, holy shit, that’s it.”

“Fuck, I, I’m getting close.”

“Yes, I need you to cum, I need it. I’ve waited so long.”

“Fuck, so have I baby.”

I could hear it in his voice, he really had been.

“No need to wait any longer baby, none”

He grinned at me, his eyes full of want and I instinctively gripped his shoulders tighter.

That’s it, cum for me, I want you to cum for me.

“Fuck, fuck.”

“Yes, yes, don’t stop.”

“Holy fuck, holy fuck.”

“Oh yes, baby, keep going”

He was gazing into my eyes again and all I could think was this couldn’t actually be happening.

“Shit shit, oh, oh shit”

“Yes, cum, please cum.”

God, he sounded so fucking good, even when he was trying to be quiet.

“Fuck, that was amazing.”

He was breathing hard and it seemed to take him a moment to register I’d spoken.

“I can’t believe we did this.”

“Regretting it?”

“Fuck no”

He grinned widely at me and I could feel a flutter roll through me.

“Think we’ve been missed?”

“No idea, but I think we might be pushing our luck.”

He carefully placed me back down and we both started to straighten out our clothes. I helped adjust his tie for him, having no recollection of having made it so crooked.

“So, what now?”

The question felt clumsy but I was hoping if he was awkward I could play it off as meaning how did we get out of the coat room.

“Well, we leave here, we dance, we drink.”

He grinned at me again and there was that flutter.

“And?”

“The ‘and’ is the best part.”