About Queer Life

Hi, my name is Lizzy. Today, we’re going to take a little bit of time to discuss exploring your sexuality. Sexuality is a fluid thing that changes and grows over time. Its definition is broad and it can be hard to pin down, but generally, your sexuality encompasses who you desire romantically and sexually, what specific sexual interests you might have, and how you prefer to structure your relationships. While some people might feel that they know exactly what they like, many others develop new desires later in life or experience their needs ebbing and flowing as time goes on. If you find yourself questioning your sexuality, you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed, confused, or even avoidant of these feelings. That’s okay. You’re not alone. In a study by the Journal Of Sex Research, it was found that your sexuality changes significantly between your adolescence and your early twenties, and then once again between your early and late twenties. This suggests that not only is it common for your sexuality to change significantly, but that it might even happen multiple times throughout your life.

Questioning your sexuality doesn’t mean you’re committing to a change of lifestyle or attaching a label to yourself. If you think you might be part of the LGBTQ+ community but you’re not really sure what that means or what to do about it, a good place to start is some quiet introspection with yourself. Take yourself out on a date to your favorite place. Bring a beverage, some headphones, and just treat yourself. Make yourself feel comfortable and loved, whatever that means for you. When you’re nice and comfortable, consider what the queer community means to you. It’s okay if you don’t have an answer to this, or any other questions. Just quietly consider these things. How does it feel to call yourself ‘queer’, or a lesbian, or bisexual, or gay, or whatever sexuality it is that you’re exploring? It might feel a little unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Or it might feel great, like a piece of clothing that molds perfectly to your body. However, it feels is okay.

This exercise is just about exploration, not making any decisions or coming to any conclusions. It’s simply about exploring the feelings you have about your sexuality. Another question you might ask yourself: do you feel connected to your sexuality? Do you feel that there are any obstacles in the way of you better understanding your sexuality? Consider if you chose your current sexual identity or if it was more compulsive based on the environment you grew up in. In other words, did you choose to be straight, or was it assumed that you would be? Again, these are just things to think about - questions that can gently aid you in your journey towards better understanding your sexual desires.

Lastly, think about if you’re currently able to safely and comfortably explore your sexuality. Are you in a monogamous relationship with a supportive partner at the moment? Do you live in a place where exploring your sexuality would be dangerous? These are questions that might give you some clarity while you’re on this journey of exploration. Once you feel like you’re comfortable with the idea that you may be on a path to a new sexual identity, the next steps are to dip your toes in a little bit. Start exploring content made by the queer community. Fill your social media feed with people from all across the sexual spectrum. Open yourself up to content made by people you didn’t think was relevant to you. This can help you start to see yourself or your desires and your new potential identity in other people. Take a deep dive into queer stories made by queer creators, whether it's films, books, comics, plays. This will not only give you a better understanding of the queer experience, but it will also introduce you to other people’s coming out stories which might be helpful to you at this time.

If you live somewhere with an active queer community, seek out in-person and virtual community spaces where you can make new friends. Your local LGBTQ+ Center is a great place to start. Taking part in the community and exploring new social circles can help you get a better idea of what a new sexual identity could bring to your life. Eventually, once you feel comfortable enough, you can start to experiment with queer porn. Listening to audioporn, reading erotica, or watching porn can give you a better idea of what exactly your desires are. Try to explore new content with an open mind without any preconceived notions you might have. If you have a supportive partner who is excited to help you through this journey, consider the things you can do together to further explore your sexuality. This may involve bringing a third person into your bedroom, exploring ethical non-monogamy, or other opportunities for you to learn and experiment. And again, it isn’t necessary to label yourself or to come out in order to validate these new feelings you might be having. You are who you self-identify as and no one can take that away from you. Fantasizing can also play a big role in gaining clarity about your sexual desires. When you feel ready, have a solo masturbation session with these new desires in mind. Think about if your fantasy involves a dramatic change in your role in bed. For instance, are you normally the initiator in sex but in your fantasies, you’re receiving? And again, remember that exploring does not mean making a commitment.

You may eventually explore having sex with someone new only to find that you’re sexuality actually hasn’t changed after all. Your journey is yours alone. But do remember that queer people are not there for you to experiment with, nor are they required to be your teachers or guides down a new path for you. Be respectful, only take up as much space as you need, and leave the rest behind. After you’ve dipped your toes into your new sexual identity, circle back to those questions you asked yourself earlier. Re-evaluate your answers and take some more time to be introspective. Be kind and gentle with yourself on this journey of self-discovery. Wherever you are in all of this, you’re on the right path. I hope you’ve found this affirmation to be helpful. Our sexuality contains multitudes and we’re here to help you figure it all out. I hope you’ll join us in another session soon.