About Polyamory

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Hey there. My name is Noah and today we’re going to be talking about polyamory.

The first thing I want to do is to acknowledge that polyamory is a big topic. And the word itself is kind of a vague umbrella term. This is why you’re listening to episode one in a series about polyamory. This episode will be focused on a general overview of what polyamory is and how to navigate your initial feelings about exploring it.

When you think of a polyamorous relationship, what do you think of? Do you imagine an established couple bringing in a third person for occasional casual sex? Or maybe you think of a throuple, which might include three people dating each other or even living together? Both of these situations (and many others) fall are polyamorous arrangements. Being polyamorous simply means that you prefer non-monogamous relationship structures.

There are a lot of stereotypes about polyamory and non-monogamy. Unfortunately, our society still tends to judge these relationships. This is predominantly because of the assumption that polyamorous people just want to have sex with a lot of different people or want to be able to “cheat” on their partners. Of course, this is totally incorrect. In fact, in healthy polyamorous relationships, there won’t be any cheating. Polyamorous people build their relationships around communication, consent, and clear-set boundaries. Another thing to note is that polyamory can involve sex, of course, but that’s not all it is. Polyamory is primarily about relationship structures. It’s about rewriting the historical framework of monogamy which we, as a society, have inherited.

Monogamy works for many people, but it doesn’t work for everyone. And polyamory works for many people, but it doesn’t work for everyone. So...how do you introduce polyamory into a monogamous relationship? This is what many people find very difficult. If you’re currently in a relationship and think you may be polyamorous or have some interest in exploring that, take some time to be introspective before you discuss it with them. Ask yourself why you want and need polyamory in your life. Educate yourself on what polyamory is, and what it isn’t. Take the time to read books and articles on polyamory. Maybe reach out to people in the polyamory community and then ask yourself if you relate to them and why.

Do you feel what you’re hearing about polyamory suits your needs and desires? Do you feel that you identify more with the polyamorous lifestyle than with the monogamous lifestyle? If you find that you can’t really come up with any concrete reasons why polyamory is appealing to you, then it might not be time to have the conversation with your partner just yet. A little more self-exploration may be in order to figure out why you’re interested in polyamory. Taking this time to be introspective can be really important, because it will help you better explain your feelings about all of this to your partner when you do have the conversation. You might be nervous about bringing up the idea of seeing other people to your partner. That’s okay.

A lot of people who think they might be polyamorous never tell their partners because of the fear of hurting their feelings or making them feel inadequate. There is also the fear that you yourself will be judged for wanting a different relationship structure. The first thing to do before you start that conversation is to ensure that they know how much you love and care about them. Tell them that your desire to have more partners is not a sign that they’re doing anything wrong or that they are lacking in some way. Be aware that your partner might not be open to the idea.

They may also be a little upset with the suggestion. This is a very normal reaction and they will likely need some time to process what you’re telling them. The thing you want to emphasize is that your interest in polyamory is about yourself and your own sexuality, not a reflection of the relationship you have with them. You also need to prepare for the idea that they are happy in their monogamous lifestyle. Some people are wired for monogamy and that’s okay. If this happens, then it’s important for you to do some self-reflection and investigate if you need polyamory more than you need the current relationship you’re in.

Poly/mono relationships - where one partner is polyamorous and one is monogamous - are possible, but can be really tricky to navigate at times. We will do another session on this in the future. If you have the conversation with your partner and they are potentially interested but not entirely sure or feel nervous about the idea, give them some time and space to consider your proposal. Put the conversation on pause and set a day to come back to it.

Next, I want to talk about what polyamory actually looks and feels like, whether you’re single or in a relationship. There are many different styles of non-monogamy, which means you can create a practice that meets yours and your partner’s particular needs. What we will cover today in this session is ethical non-monogamy.

This type of relationship structure implies that everyone involved is aware of and consenting to their sexual and/or romantic partners being intimate with other people. You might have a partner whose sex drive is lower than yours and who consents to you having sex with someone else. Or, perhaps you occasionally have sex with a couple, but you aren’t romantically involved with either of them. That is ethical non-monogamy. The terms “primary partner” and “secondary partner” come from this type of relationship practice. In this type of polyamorous dynamic, you have a spouse or an established partner with whom you share children or finances or a home or whatnot. This is your primary partner.

Your secondary partner is a romantic and/or sexual partner who you may not share so many expectations or responsibilities with, but are still loyal and devoted to. It is quite difficult to force your relationships into particular molds or to predict the structure that they may take over time. Often, these things have a way of unfolding unexpectedly based on the people involved. So, keep in mind that just because you want someone to become your primary or secondary doesn’t mean that it will happen so easily. Again, polyamory is all about finding the structure that best fits you. Communication and boundaries are going to be your most important tools for having a successful non-monogamous relationship. Every step of the way, you and your partners should take time to communicate your feelings to one another - even the difficult ones such as jealousy and insecurity.

Let’s say you and your partner are interested in trying out polyamory. You both decide you want to go on dates with other people. This is the time to establish boundaries. Not the night before the date. Not the night after. As soon as you agree on trying this out, set up some boundaries. These can be as loose or as hard as you’d like, but make sure that you are absolutely comfortable with the situation before giving your partner the go ahead. Some examples of boundaries could be that you are fine with your partner going on date, but you don’t feel comfortable with them having sex with someone else quite yet. Or you are fine with your partner downloading some dating apps, but you don’t want them to chat with anyone without talking to you about it first.

One thing that many people associate with polyamory is jealousy. Lots of people feel that they could never be polyamorous because they wouldn’t be able to handle the jealousy. The good news is that, even if you think you’re a jealous person, you can still have a healthy and communicative polyamorous relationship. Some couples utilize the “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, which means they’re fine with their partner being with other people, but they don’t want to know about the specific details. When they’re together, they want the focus to be on just the two of them.

Other couples prefer to know more about the details. It’s really about finding a system that works best for you - and this can take some experimenting. Jealousy can rear its head within even the most stable partnerships. It’s a totally normal and valid emotion many of us feel. If you start to have them unexpectedly, make sure to be open and honest with your partners about how you’re feeling. It’s very easy to let our minds wander, especially after our partners have a good date with someone else or are becoming closer with their secondary partners. Talking about our feelings makes them easier to manage and separates them from ourselves a little bit. Telling your partners that you're feeling a little jealous or insecure will give you the time and space to acknowledge and honor those feelings instead of reacting to them immediately and letting your mind run wild with upsetting thoughts.

One way to help your partner ease their jealousy if this is something they are struggling with is to be honest and open with your partner about your own current feelings. If you’ve had a great date with someone and you’re feeling like you might be falling for this person, tell your primary partner about this. Ensure that they understand what you are feeling and to what degree. Some of these conversations are going to be difficult - but having them is better than not having them. In many ways, polyamory is about balance. It’s about removing yourself from traditional relationship structures and creating your own.

Polyamory can be an incredibly unique and personal thing, and once you’re able to find that balance, you can live your happiest life. I hope this session has taught you a little bit more about yourself and the idea of polyamory, and I hope you join us again soon.

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